If you’ve ever been on the receiving end of an angry kitty’s defensive blow, you know that cats are ruthless little fighters. Their gallant nature makes me wonder: What would cats be like if they were actual human soldiers? Yes, I know — who hasn’t wondered this very thing?
In an effort to solve this conundrum that has no doubt been keeping you up at night (just in time for Independence Day), I present several American Revolutionary War figures alongside their feline counterparts.
No cat screams Paul Revere quite like the Siamese. And that’s partially because no cat screams as loudly as the Siamese. People with tact call the constant meowing “frequent vocalization.” As the good friend of the owner of a chatty Siamese (and as a person with no tact) I call my friend’s cat’s noises “the reason Auntie Laura has multiple cocktails when she visits.”
These cats will constantly tell you what’s going on, and as such, it’s only fair that they be named the Paul Revere of cat breeds, as Revere famously announced the approach of the British in 1775.
Considering their tough-looking tailless backsides and their tenacious disposition, it isn’t a stretch to imagine the scrappy Manx breed regularly kicking ass and taking names.
Margaret Corbin was the first woman in the history of the United States to receive lifelong pension from Congress and to be buried with full military honors — as well as the first woman to be nicknamed “Molly Pitcher” and the first woman wounded in the American Revolution. What breed other than the audacious Manx could Margaret Corbin be?
Lively and intelligent, the John Hancock of cats has got to be the Abyssinian. After all, the Harvard graduate Hancock was the first person to sign the Declaration of Independence and became the first governor of Massachusetts. But like any breed with this amount of brains, there’s a cunning side, too.
Without lots of stimulation and supervision, Abyssinians are known to get a little destructive and manipulative — not unlike a certain Mr. Hancock, who, aside from the many wonderful life accomplishments, was often accused of highly questionable financial management.
Now hear me out. I chose the Singapura to represent the notoriously unpopular British officer not because they are bad cats. I’m calling all of those Singapuras out there little Tarletons because of their tendency to be aggressive. Sure, there are multiple factors that contribute to the level of aggression in a cat, and if you’re on the good side of a Singapura, I’ll bet that they’re little angels. But much like the Patriots had to face Bloody Ban Tarleton’s ruthless military tactics, be prepared to combat some moodiness when dealing with a Singapura.
But if you do decide to adopt one of these challenging pets, do me a personal favor and name the cat General Sir Banastre Tarleton. Because although Tarleton was a questionable human being, how good would it feel to say, “General Sir Banastre Tarleton, get your little litter-box feet off the kitchen table”?
A tiger. I realize that that’s not really how this game works, but so be it. Papa Washington is kind of the best, as are tigers.
Top photo: Gen. George Washington accepting the surrender of Gen. Charles Cornwallis as depicted by Currier & Ives by Shutterstock
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About the author: Laura Jaye Cramer is a freelance writer and ballet dancer based out of San Francisco. When she isn’t busy tending to her sweet little cat baby, she can be found drooling over artifacts in a museum, building a shrine to Dolly Parton, or eating a trough of guacamole. Stalk her on Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook.